Talk with confidence to anyone

Hey man, how’s it going?

Can you talk with confidence to anyone?

Or do you struggle to talk to strangers, connect with people or feel relaxed in the company of others?

If so, you aren’t alone, mate.

The majority of men have fewer friends than our parents did.

It seems that as a generation, we’re becoming less socially competent.

This is a problem

Because relationships matter.

In fact, according to Harvard, the number one predictor of a long, happy life is the quality of a person’s social connections.

And loneliness is said to be as bad, if not worse, for our health than smoking or obesity.

So if you don’t have friends or you struggle to talk to people, let’s fix that.

Unfortunately, if you’re like many men, socialising can be anxiety-inducing.

When you have social anxiety, something tricky happens.

We adopt defence mechanisms to deal with anxiety.

These are otherwise known as “safety behaviours.”

This is natural and useful.

But there’s a problem.

These safety behaviours can become a crutch that causes us more harm than good in the long run.

If we want to tackle anxiety and become our most confident version, we need to audit our behaviour…

We need to become aware of our safety behaviours.

And then stop doing them.

Here are 30 common anxiety-driven safety behaviours.

Have a look and see which ones you do regularly.

1. Avoiding Eye Contact: Avoiding looking someone in the eyes to reduce the feeling of vulnerability.

2. Rehearsing Conversations: Planning out conversations in advance to avoid saying something "wrong."

3. Seeking Reassurance: Constantly asking others for validation to mitigate fears of disapproval.

4. Overpreparing: Spending excessive time preparing for tasks to avoid any possibility of criticism.

5. Faking Illness: Pretending to be unwell to avoid attending social events.

6. Substance Use: Using alcohol or drugs to feel more at ease in social situations.

7. Escaping Early: Leaving social events early to avoid discomfort.

8. Playing with Objects: Fidgeting with items like phones or pens to distract oneself from anxiety.

9. Wearing Concealing Clothing: Dressing in a way to hide perceived flaws or blend into the background.

10. Limiting Personal Disclosure: Withholding personal information to avoid judgment.

11. Speaking Softly: Talking quietly to avoid attracting attention and potentially being judged.

12. Excessive Apologizing: Saying sorry frequently to avoid conflict or disapproval.

13. Changing Subjects: Steering conversations away from topics that feel threatening or uncomfortable.

14. Seeking Perfection: Striving for flawless performance to avoid any criticism.

15. Self-deprecating Humor: Making fun of oneself before others can, as a way to control perceived criticism.

16. Avoiding Confrontation: Steering clear of disagreements to maintain peace, even at personal cost.

17. Mind Reading: Assuming to know what others are thinking, particularly negative thoughts about oneself.

18. Catastrophizing: Imagining the worst possible outcomes in social situations.

19. Physical Avoidance: Staying away from places or situations where one fears judgment or anxiety.

20. Over-smiling: Using frequent smiles to appear friendly and hide discomfort.

21. Checking Appearance Frequently: Repeatedly checking one's appearance to ensure acceptability.

22. Mimicking Others: Copying the behavior, attire, or opinions of others to fit in.

23. Seeking Invisible Roles: Preferring behind-the-scenes roles to avoid being the center of attention.

24. Excessive Nodding: Agreeing with others more than normal to avoid conflict or disapproval.

25. Using Humor to Deflect: Shifting a serious or personal topic to humor to avoid vulnerability.

26. Selective Mutism: Not speaking in certain situations due to extreme anxiety.

27. Exaggerating Illness or Distress: To gain sympathy and avoid certain expectations or responsibilities.

28. Minimizing Success: Downplaying one's achievements to avoid jealousy or scrutiny.

29. Physical Camouflage: Using makeup, clothing, or hairstyles to conceal perceived imperfections.

30. Constantly Checking Social Media: Seeking validation through likes, comments, or views.

How many of these do you do?

Make some notes about it, or even reply to this email to let me know.

When you’ve done that, you’ve got a job to do.

Commit to NOT doing this behaviour for 7 - 14 days … and see how it feels.

Walking towards the source of our fears is the ONLY way we will cure any type of anxiety.

Not by making the anxiety go away … but by becoming braver.

So with that in mind, I challenge you.

Go and get out of your social comfort zone this week.

Oh and if you want to watch me chat about this on a YouTube video, you can watch that here.

And if you’re interested in becoming the most confident version of yourself, this is one of the things I help men do in the Man On Purpose 12-week mentorship programme.

Check out the page on my website for more details.

Big love,

Oliver