I just had a panic attack

Hey man

As I type this I’m recovering from a panic attack.

It’s the first one I’ve had in over two years.

Here’s what happened.

Yesterday I had an operation on my “manhood” which I’ve needed to get done my entire life.

I’ll spare you the details.

But it was successful, thank god.

So they gave me 2 types of painkillers and sent me home.

Some painkillers can have brutal side effects in some people.

And as it turns out, I’m one of them.

About 4 hours ago I popped two Atarax painkillers.

These are hyper-effective muscle relaxants.

And I grossly underestimated them.

About 3 hours ago I noticed my body started to go limp.

My heart rate shot through the roof.

My palms flooded with sweat.

Hot flushes every 30 seconds.

It all came on so suddenly.

So I panicked.

It was an emotional flashback.

If you’ve never heard the term, emotional flashbacks are a rush of intense emotions related to a past traumatic event that occurs without any visual memories or images. (thanks Chat GPT).

One of my “emotional flashback” triggers is when my bodily sensations change too quickly.

It feels like I’m losing control.

It reminds me of the time I was 6 and stuck being punished in the head teacher’s office as she screamed in my face.

She looked like a howling demon with white eyes.

Little Ollie (me) was petrified that she might hurt him.

Looking back, I now realise that she had completely lost control of herself.

I was trapped in that small office, and that’s where I had my first panic attack.

As Little Ollie trembled and went white with fear….

She didn’t stop screaming.

This is just one of the many wounds I carry with me today.

And it triggers without warning sometimes.

Let me be real with you.

I’m a coach. I help men win at life.

But I’m also still very much human.

If I’ve ever given you the impression that I’m perfect, I was probably projecting an image out of shame or fear.

None of us are perfect. Expecting yourself to be perfect is like self-abuse.

No matter what … success is not a straight line.

Life is a process of stumbling forward, clumsily, towards the light.

Failing forward.

No matter what I say, that applies to me, too.

Because my feet, like yours, are firmly on the path.

Why do you think I make YouTube videos and bombard you with these emails every day?

Because I’ve suffered so fucking much in the past and it’s my mission to help you suffer a little less.

Right now, my breathing has returned to normal.

I have control of my body again.

And those pills are flushed down the toilet where they belong.

I appreciate you for reading my emails. I’m blown away, to be honest.

Have a great week, mate.

Catch you tomorrow.

Oliver