how to stop chasing approval

If you don’t know who you are, you’ll always look to others to tell you.

The less you approve of yourself, the more you’ll crave approval from everyone else.

But if you find yourself needing validation or craving approval too much, by the end of this email, the only approval you’ll seek is your own.

Today, I’m going to help you break the curse of neediness and approval-seeking so you can feel calm, relaxed, and genuinely yourself in any social situation or relationship.

So, let’s dive in with a hard truth about approval-seeking and why it pushes people away.

And I know this truth because I had to learn it the hard way.

In my mid-20s, I was in a relationship where I was desperate for her approval.

I put her opinion above my own, and it killed her respect for me.

I became an anxious mess, and, not surprisingly, that relationship didn’t work out.

Imagine this—you’ve spent all week going to the gym, pushing yourself.

But by the end of the week, you haven’t had a shower.

You’re walking around with this…funk…that repels everyone, making them avoid you like the filthy bastard you are.

(Just kidding)

But honestly, that’s what neediness and approval-seeking do to you.

They create an invisible stench that pushes people away.

Or, neediness might attract people who are just as insecure, and you both just end up feeding each other’s insecurities without growing.

But people are naturally drawn to independent men—who have confidence, conviction, and a clear sense of who they are.

If you’re a man like that, people relax around you.

They want to be near you because you don’t need them to validate you—you validate yourself.

You bring value, and that confidence is contagious.

Now, contrast that with a needy man.

Maybe you’ve felt this yourself.

When you don’t know who you are or what you stand for, you start adapting like a chameleon to the opinions and decisions of others.

And over time, people lose trust and respect for you.

You feel anxious, and, if you’re honest, you probably know exactly what you’re doing—seeking approval—but feel trapped because you don’t know how to change it.

So, why does this neediness happen?

Let’s talk about the three main causes of approval-seeking behaviour.

And don’t worry—I’ll walk you through practical steps you can start using right away.

1. Lack of Self-Approval

The first driver is a lack of self-approval.

When you don’t approve of yourself, you’ll constantly look outside for that validation.

So here’s a tip I got from a therapist years ago: start practicing self-approval.

Ask yourself, “What do I think? What do I want?” 

Notice the situations where you feel the need for others’ approval, and make choices that reflect what you truly desire.

This habit alone will start shifting your focus inward.

2. Fear of Confrontation

Next is a fear of confrontation.

Maybe you’re avoiding conflict, trying to keep the peace, but it only makes things worse in the long run.

Start by practicing saying “no” in small situations—even if it feels uncomfortable.

You’ll find that standing your ground feels a lot better than constantly bending to please others.

3. Underdeveloped Core Sense of Self

Finally, an underdeveloped sense of self. If you don’t know who you are, you’ll always look to others to define you.

But here’s the truth: you can’t approve of yourself if you don’t know who you are.

Start defining your personal standards and values.

For example, one of mine is, “I will speak honestly, even if it means not everyone agrees with me.” 

Define what matters to you and let that guide your actions.

In my Pleaser to Leader program, I help guys just like you create their own personal standards, values, and boundaries to support their confidence and independence.

You can find details here.

But if you take away anything from this email, let it be this:

The only approval you should be seeking is your own. The moment you begin to value your own approval over anyone else’s, that’s the moment you’ll gain the freedom to be yourself.

Take care, and I’ll see you next time.

Oliver