Why you can't be yourself with people

Hey, mate.

Hope you’re well.

Today I’m at a sweaty outdoor coworking space in Koh Samui, Thailand.

Having spent the last week in a hostel, recently I was reminded of a painful problem I used to have that many men still suffer from.

You can’t be yourself with people.

Around others, you don’t feel comfortable in your skin.

You worry about what other people think of you.

You feel constantly on edge, anxious and unsure of yourself.

In groups, whenever you pluck up the courage to talk, people lose interest and your words fall flat.

And with women, you end up feeling so awkward and anxious that you either avoid dating completely or generally have a bad time.

No matter who you’re around, you just feel “low-status”

Like the “loser” of the group or the awkward weird guy around a woman.

It might even get so bad that you avoid people altogether and play video games instead.

This is what I call validation addiction.

It’s where, instead of seeking your own approval, you compulsively seek it from other people instead.

This is crippling you because — if you gave way less fucks about how you were being perceived, you would actually be far more likeable, charming and attractive.

And much less anxious.

Craving validation from others makes you inauthentic and poor at socialising.

This might not seem like a big deal … but it is.

Because social skills are one of the most important things you can develop as a man.

Want to make more money? That means asking for a raise, starting a business with a team or serving customers better. Social skills.

Want to get a hot, intelligent girlfriend? You need to know how to flirt, be charming and hold an engaging conversation. Social skills.

Want to not be alone when you grow old? I’m sorry but if you’ve had bad social skills your whole life and never work on them … the chances of you being surrounded by people as you get older is slim.

If you want to improve your life, improve your social skills.

But is it a case of analysing the crap out of social situations so you can “get everything right”?

Absolutely not.

Being overly analytical kills your social skills.

So what do you do instead?

Becoming a confident and charismatic man is more a process of subtraction than addiction.

You don’t need MORE lines, scripts and techniques.

What you need is LESS.

• Less insecurity.

• Less negative beliefs.

• Less self-judgement.

• Less attachment to a specific outcome.

Clear your mind. Be in the moment. Let everything flow.

But you can’t do that when your whole intention is to get validated by other people.

It just makes you needy, insecure and anxious.

So let’s deal with validation addiction.

I’m gonna tell you why this happens in as few words as possible.

You seek approval from other people because you don’t approve of yourself.

That’s it.

But why don’t you approve of yourself?

Because at one point in your life, you were not approved of by other people, and this experience stuck with you.

It’s like there’s a child in your psyche who still feels worthless, bad or broken.

And the more validation-addicted you are — the more I would be willing to bet that the problem stems from your relationship with your parents.

Most men have some form of mother wound, father wound or both.

If your dad constantly criticised you (or wasn’t even there).

If your mum didn’t stop controlling you.

If you never felt enough, no matter what you did.

Or if you just felt the absence of any kind of encouragement or reassurance…

Then you still likely carry the scars of the past.

Except these wounds open up again whenever you’re triggered by something.

They haven’t fully healed.

So the truth is — if you want to become the most confident, charismatic and charming version of yourself with others…

80% of the journey lies within.

And it’s a path only you can walk.

• Heal your father wound.

• Heal your mother wound.

• Nurture and befriend that younger self within you.

• Write your personal timeline (your entire life broken down into 6 phases, with 4 - 6 experiences in each phase) and allow yourself to feel whatever comes up as you write it.

Healing this stuff at the root takes a while.

This is why I say to men that they should work on more practical social skills at the same time (body language, vocal tonality, conversation, eye contact, flirting etc).

But if you do the practical and inner work at the same time?

Your life will look a hell of a lot different in only 3 months.

• Attracting beautiful women.

• Building a tribe of close friends.

• Making more money.

It’s all possible.

If you want help doing the inner-work, this is what I help men with the most. Just drop me a reply to this email if you’re curious.

Anyway, I’m off to find an air-conditioned cafe to sit in because I’m melting in this heat (white, ginger British man here).

Take care, brother.

Until next time,

Oliver “Sweaty” Cowlishaw