Alright mate,

There’s something I used to do that quietly wrecked my confidence with women.

I put them on a pedestal.

Not in some dramatic, worshipping way.

In subtle, socially acceptable ways that I could justify to myself.

It looked like reading her texts five times before replying.

Freezing mid-sentence because I didn’t want to say the wrong thing.

Feeling amazing when she was warm and affectionate… and then turning into an anxious mess when she went a bit cold.

Cancelling my own plans because she was suddenly free.

Holding back opinions to keep things smooth.

After one good date, already imagining what it could become.

At the time I told myself I was just being thoughtful. A good man.

But if I’m honest, underneath all of that was fear.

Fear of not being enough.

Fear of losing her.

Fear that if I relaxed for even a second, she’d see something in me and lose interest.

So my body would tighten.

My mind would start analysing everything.

I’d subtly try to be what I thought she wanted.

And slowly, without realising it, I handed her the power.

Here’s what I eventually understood.

When you pedestalize a woman, you’re not actually relating to her.

You’re reacting to an old approval pattern many of us learned as boys.

“If she chooses me, I’m okay.”

“If she pulls away, I’ve failed.”

That’s why your nervous system spikes when attraction fluctuates.

That’s why silence feels unbearable.

That’s why you over-explain, over-text and over-invest.

It’s not that you don’t know what to say.

If you were fully relaxed around her, you’d never run out of things to say.

It’s that you don’t feel steady inside yourself.

And nothing makes a woman pull back faster than feeling like she is responsible for your emotional stability.

Because attraction needs space.

Imagine going to a job interview and the interviewer seems desperate for you to say yes.

Overselling, over-accommodating, desperately needing you to say yes.

How would that make you feel?

Probably pressured.

Maybe even slightly suspicious.

You wouldn’t feel drawn in.

When you pedestalize a woman, that’s the subtle energy she feels.

Pressure.

And underneath it, insecurity.

So instead of trying to “act more confident,” here are better questions:

Instead of “I hope I don’t mess this up,”

Can I just show up honestly and see if we’re naturally a good match?

Instead of “I hope she likes me,”

Do I even like her?

Instead of waiting for the perfect moment to kiss her,

Can I move when it feels good to me and let her say yes or no?

Instead of filtering every word,

Can I risk letting go and be fully real with her?

Instead of trying to impress her,

Can I actually relax and enjoy myself?

When you start operating from that place, something shifts.

You stop chasing women.

You stop anxiously obsessing over saying the right thing.

You stop giving too many f*cks and stop trying to manage her perception of you.

You feel more at home and comfortable in yourself.

You start caring way more about your opinion of yourself than her opinion of you.

And as a side effect, women are naturally drawn to that.

I’ve been both versions of this man.

The anxious performer. And the grounded man.

The difference isn’t tactics or the dreaded “skill gap.”

Texting strategies and pickup techniques.

Trying to be the “alpha” some red pill guy told them to be.

All this is surface level.

Pedestalizing runs deeper that all of this.

It’s an identity issue. The Nice Guy pattern.

And until you resolve it and feel solid in yourself around women, you’ll keep repeating it.

So if you’re tired of chasing validation…

If you’re tired of falling apart when she pulls away…

If you want to feel calm and self-trusting in dating instead of constantly analysing yourself…

Then let’s talk.

I have two spaces available for Pleaser To Leader, my 12-week 1:1 coaching programme in March.

If you’re serious about making a permanent shift in how you show up in dating and relationships, click this link, read through the page properly, and apply.

If it’s a fit, we’ll get to work.

If not, you’ll walk away with a clearer picture of things.

As always…

Stay courageous,

Oliver